Hey, did I just lose again and again and again?

In this example of gratuitous societal manipulation, cultural contamination wasn’t as wide-spread as the Iotians’, but, nevertheless, still bode ill for the Federation. Why? Because the Klingons were involved. And it’s well known that Klingons aren’t well-endowed with the Prime Directive’s clarity.

Even today, they regard the Non-Interference Directive with the same contempt we religiously reserve for the imbecilic humanoid species who sided with the Changelings!

We begin on the planet Neural, where a Klingon, Krell, proved uncharacteristically subtle with barely a hint of barbarity, in his attempts to instill bloodlust in the planet’s indigenous population. Supplying only the Village people (as the city-dwellers were called) with archaic flintlocks to savagely and ferociously wipe out the more agrarian Hill people with whom for centuries they had neither a quarrel nor a tittle.

To sweeten the deal, Krell promised the humanoids, clearly incapable of handling the complexities of ornery and hostile trade negotiations with the Hill people, governorships in the Klingon Empire. The Villagers were not impressed. But, when limitless supplies of Hillvalley females were thrown in the bargain, their complete and total lust was guaranteed.

Even the trio of sublime obliviousness, Kirk, Spock and Dr. Leonard McCoy, were unaware that evil societal tinkering was afoot. Innocently, they foraged the planet looking for medicinal supplies. Kirk, who had visited the planet before, obsessively romanticized his time spent among the peace-loving Hill folk. All the while, singing the praises of his friend, Tyree, one of the hippies whose character was especially tranquil and serene.

Kirk’s myopic reminiscing was rudely interrupted by a surreptitiously crouching band of Village people, who appeared ready to put flintlock bullet holes into his long-ago cherished memories. Seeing them take aim at Tyree and his band of brothers, Kirk hurled stones to stop the insult. Startled, one of the revisionists' rifle went off, alerting the passing pacifists.

Frustrated, they turned and encountered the historian and his friends. Kirk, not wanting to take Tyree’s place, took off in a sprint, with Spock and Bones on his heels. But the villagers were not armed with mere stones. One took aim and fired, his shot landing square in the middle of Spock’s back. Unceremoniously, he went down. Which was unfortunate, since it was not Spock who had embellished the past.

Phaser in hand, Kirk tried to rectify the situation, but Spock forestalled him. Not knowing the Prime Directive had already been stomped by the Klingon’s irreverence, Spock still sought to preserve it. After beaming back aboard the Enterprise, and placing Spock in the capable hands of Dr. M’Benga, Kirk and McCoy returned to the surface in traditional camouflage to prevent recognition and death.

But before vengeful villagers could catch them, a horned Mugato attacked them, spitting fire from its eyes as it longed to eat them. Never before had Kirk been so viciously accosted. Well, maybe, by a few past lovers. And likewise, he struggled desperately for his life. After a few unsuccessful attempts, the Mugato secured a firm grip and sank its venomous fangs into Kirk’s fleshy neck. Aaaaahhhhhhh!

Initially, Dr. McCoy was in shock. He'd never before heard Kirk scream so passionately. Well, maybe after a few new lovers. Now, it was McCoy’s turn to throw rocks, 
distracting said beastie long enough to phaser blast it out of existence. And finally making it to Kirk’s side, he heard, “Tyree! Some of his men! Cure!” before he passed out. Kirk that is.

Chancing upon a couple of Hill people, they were, in fact, taken to Tyree. Arriving in the village, however, they were introduced instead to Tyree’s tech-obsessed witchy woman, Nona. Later, they learned, along with a powerful hankering for technology, she had an equally potent lust for the dissolution of her enemies. A bloodthirstiness Krell could only dream of achieving in the Village people.

When Tyree finally appeared, he persuaded his shaman wife to save Kirk’s life. She began with a seductive chant, which is always a bad sign. “Return… Return!” as Tyree rhythmically banged a melancholy melody on his medicinal drum. Her black tresses swung back and forth, lashing Kirk’s chest with each beat of the drum, again and again, as she thrust the life-saving Mahko root into his open wound. Kirk strengthened with each pulse, each titillating stroke of her hair, moaning. Until… Until… His fever broke and he succumbed to a limp and weakened body. (*sigh*) 

Later Kirk said to Tyree, “I knew you'd find a 
kahn-ut-tu to cure me,” speaking of Nona and, not long afterward, the sorceress sped up her intentions to seduce him. Ravenously, she kissed him but Tyree spotted the two in the throes of likely-to-occur passions. However, after only a moment’s thought of flintlock-induced permanent separation, like a true wimp, he dropped the rifle and stormed off.

However, a second Mugato intervened and tried to rectify Tyree’s spinelessness. But Kirk once again disintegrated another insatiable member of this protected species. Barely recovered from the Mugato’s affections, Nona, lasciviously coveting Kirk’s weapon, thumped his head with yet another of those darn stones, and took the phaser. Off she went to the enemy’s camp to share it with a male stronger than the testes-less Tyree.

But, the Villagers, seeing an opportunity to satisfy their true desires, drooled over the tech-wielding enchantress. “This weapon I bring you is far 
greater than your firesticks!” she howled, holding up the phaser, as several of the randy prospects slobbered on her. Again, they were not impressed. Seeing their indifference, she tried to use the phaser, but they knocked the insignificant trifle away. And continued slobbering.

By this time, McCoy found the sulking Tyree, the lump head Kirk and the tossed flintlock rifle. Kirk discovered 
his phaser missing and the three ran after the instrument-teasing Nona to recover it. Upon finding her, they witnessed the slobbering of Nona.

The villagers also spied Kirk’s crew and immediately deduced that trade negotiations were about to commence. And having inferred that Nona had single-handedly brought this calamity upon them, one of them, now properly installed with Klingon homicidal directives, whipped out his knife and stabbed her. Tyree screamed, “Nooooonnaaaaaaa!”

Tyree grabbed the flintlock from McCoy and felled one of the villagers. Never one to say no to a woman or a fight, Kirk joined the brawl. Even Bones got in a punch or two. But Tyree went mad, lifting yet another of those ubiquitously handy rocks, and (warning: it gets graphic here) bashed the bejeebers out of the last surviving Nona-ravisher.

So strong a lust for killing had been induced by Nona’s death that Kirk, aghast, had to stop Tyree from continuing his assault upon the villager’s corpse. Krell would have been proud. “I want more of these, 
Kirk.” Tyree demanded holding up the flintlock. “Manymany more.” With sadness, Kirk nodded.

Thus, this sad tale ends by showing us how the Klingons’ small instances of cultural contamination affected an entire species' trajectory despite the Federation’s never ending struggle to mitigate these kinds of pesky effects. The moral of the story? Whether stoned or not, Klingons will always attempt to manipulate a primitive society and their monkeyshines must always be balanced by copious amounts of trade negotiations and Mugato intervention. 

Star Trek ©, Star Trek-The Next Generation ©, Star Trek Deep Space Nine ©, Star Trek-Voyager ©, Star Trek-Enterprise ©, and all associated marks and characters are registered trademarks of Paramount Pictures and/or CBS Studios Inc. registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office. Star Trek Bible and Star Trek Bible Blog by Trainer 367 © 2016 may not be reproduced without permission. All rights reserved. All other trademarks and copyrights are the property of their respective holders. Star Trek Bible is not endorsed, sponsored or affiliated with CBS Studios Inc. or the Star Trek franchise.

MODULE 21(c)T: Love, Klingons and A Flintlock In The Zeta Bootis System



Crucis, Jud. Roddenberry, Gene. “A Private Little War.” Star Trek. National Broadcasting Company. 2 February 1968. Television. Retrieved: http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/A_Private_Little_War_(episode)


Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth


Lucas, John Meredyth. “Patterns of Force.” Star Trek. National Broadcasting Company. 16 February 1968. Television. Retrieved: http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/Patterns_of_Force_(episode)

This discussion focuses on the Prime Directive, also known as Starfleet General Order 1, which was invented purely out of terror that other cultures, like the Iotians, would rise up and put the bag on us. 

Before its creation, immensely gratifying meddling in the natural development of other planetary cultures was a demagogic prerogative of starship captains everywhere. But after implementation, many threw away their commissions in disgust.

But Captain James T. Kirk wasn’t one of them. Though, his encounter with a cultural observer, Professor John Gill, gave him second thoughts. Kirk and crew went looking for Gill on the planet, Ekos. But found a thermonuclear tipped missile instead, headed straight for them. The ship’s phasers could easily handle such a primitive militaristic toy. Yet, an aggressively disagreeable warhead with their coordinates printed on it still put the fear of a horribly excruciating death in them. “Mr. Chekov!” Kirk shouted. “Fire!!”

Kirk suddenly had a strong desire to kick ass on a galactic scale, also a Starfleet regulation, which was in serious need of implementation. He and Mr. Spock beamed down seeking the source of his aggravation. And more blatant specters of hostility confronted them. Ekosians dressed in Nazi Germany Stormtrooper uniforms. Lots of them. Though light years from Earth, they thought, maybe, perhaps, this could be evidence of rampant cultural contamination.

As if this wasn’t puzzling enough, a newsreel depicting John Gill as Führer, leader of the swastika class appeared. There was only one course of action. Steal two SS uniforms, sneak into the local Gestapo beehive, the Chancellery, and find that bastard. Unfortunately, the suspicions of an officiously prickish major exposed Spock’s ears and foiled the plan.

Later, the lashings of a furious Ekosian’s whip crisscrossed the backs of both Starfleet officers. Subsequently, they were thrown into a cell next to Isak, a Zeon, who didn’t quite believe a humanoid with pointed ears was of his species. Chatty, Isak told them his people came to Ekos thinking they “were civilizing the Ekosians.” Spock’s penchant for stating the obvious made a break for it. “It would seem the assumption was premature.” 

“They will attack our planet,” Isak stressed. “They'll use the technology we gave them. And taking life is so repugnant to our people, we'll go down without a struggle.” Kirk and Spock rolled their eyes. Despite his incessant whining, they invented a laser cobbled from their subcutaneous crystal transponders and bed lattice. This sliced through the cell’s iron lock. “Take me with you,” Isak pleaded. Spock shook his head. But, Kirk relented because they had to find the SS weapons laboratory before the murderous Ekosians duplicated their communicators.

Afterward, in the Zeon underground hideout, they met the heroine of the regime, Party Secretary Fräulein Daras. Who tested their veracity by pointing a Luger at them. Which they resented slightly more than Isak’s blathering. But because she looked good in her uniform, they consented to masquerade as the Führer’s special documentary corps. Which helped them enter the Chancellery, where the “Final Solution” was at hand.

Deputy Führer Melakon, Gill’s puppet master was speaking. “Our solar system will forever be rid of the disease that was Zeon,” he preened. “Our space fleet is on its way toward Zeon. This is the time of destiny. Hail victory!”

The Zeons’ interplanetary travel technology! Kirk and Spock were thunderstruck. They looked at Isak. Zeons gave the Ekosians, barbarians generations behind them, the means to reach their planet? Kirk grimaced. His hands clenched into fists. The sheer stupidity of the act enraged him. But finding Professor Gill in his secret Nazi green room, distracted him, saving the Zeon.

“Gill, why did you abandon your mission? Why did you interfere with this culture?!” But Gill was too far out of it. Kirk summoned Dr. Leonard McCoy to inject him with his handy hypospray. Gill came around, groggy but lucid. Then they discovered the odorous consequences which occurred when a Starfleet Academy history professor tinkered with that which went wrong.

Because the Ekosians were on the edge of anarchy, Professor Gill couldn’t resist the urge to play insane social scientist. He took from Earth’s history the epitome of state efficiency. Nazi Germany. Yes, I know. Stupidity walking. But Mr. Spock was kinder than we are. He understood Gill’s aspirations. Editing the monstrous violence from the Nazi administrative genome should have worked. But it didn’t. And why? Because of self-preservation. In Ekosian thinking, the Zeons, after another century of social interaction with them would become as bloodthirsty as they were. Thus, “Death to Zeons!” became an imperative. One humanoid’s hubris was just an impetus for the heart’s prime directive.

Gill insisted his social augmentations worked. At first. Before, Melakon screwed things up. He phased out of consciousness again. But McCoy didn’t dare give him another shot because it could mercifully kill him. But Kirk had to get him to reverse that order!

Just then, the Party Chairman, Eneg, burst in upon their green room wizard chat. Secretly a Zeon sympathizer, he bought their story that Spock really was a pointy-eared Zeon whose freakishness should be taken directly to Melakon.

Melakon was amused. “Note the low forehead, denoting stupidity. The dull look of a trapped animal.” Spock’s left eyebrow lifted. A well-known precursor to opening up a canister of whoop-arse. Meanwhile, Kirk had had enough of Gill’s self-deception. These people, with their nuclear weapons, tried to blow up his ship! So, he took Bone’s hypospray and pumped him full of super-speed. When that didn’t work, he slapped him silly, hard, several times. “Gill!!!”

Finally, the Nazi era addict straightened up and addressed the planet. “I order the immediate recall of the space fleet. This attack must stop. All units are to return to base. This was not an aggression of the Ekosian people. Melakon is a traitor to his own people.”

Melakon couldn’t take even that much belittling. He grabbed his underling’s machine gun and shot down the Führer. But Isak shot the Deputy. Then Gill closed a thoroughly hideous and unentertaining chapter in Starfleet history. “I was wrong. The non-interference Directive is the only way.”

Daras and Eneg bid Kirk and crew farewell, assuring them that Gill’s final words put a stop to their impending doom. Back on the Enterprise, Spock was puzzled that Gill could risk taking such drastic actions. Bones reminded him that absolute power corrupted someone some time long ago absolutely. This, fortunately, distracted Kirk from the fact that the Ekosians still had nuclear weapons. And the Zeons still were perilously pacifistic with a lunatic tendency to give away a tactical military advantage.

However, the Ekosian’s cultural contamination was mitigated due to the diligence of Starfleet officers armed with the Prime Directive’s clarity. But, in the next historical example, these same officers barely escaped the idiotic disregard of Starfleet’s General Order 1 with their lives.